Hey guys.

Birthday today, fucking 20, fucking wtf now.
Went to the pub, drank like, a Cosmo, a pint of Strongbow (that my bro stole sips of, that f****t), a Jagerbomb (with my bro's gf), and a Irish car bomb (with one of my bff, and she drank half the pint of Guinness then did the chugging, hahahaha, and the waitress was like, YOU CHUG IT WTF?!?!!? and then we all laughed like it was a sitcom).

The night was awesome. i have my own bailey's, so when my lil bro comes home from work, we're doing MOAR,
MOARMOARMOAR

and I'm not working tomorrow ftw haahahahahaha my bff who had a irish car bomb with me does, and she was feeling the effects like I was. NUMB FACE FTW.

I wasn't feeling too good this evening, so I took a break from Hell's Kitchen (first season, btw) and went outside to get some fresh air, hoping that would cure what's ailing me.

I got outside, it was a lovely temperature. Just starting to cool down a bit, but still not freezing. I go out in my bare feet, and I wander around the garden that's my mum's pride and joy. Gorgeous flowers of pinks, purples, reds, and white have blossomed, and you can't look anywhere without seeing a splash of colour that always lures the birds, animals, and insects into the garden.

I walk around the grass, inspecting the flowers and their colour. I happen upon a baby pink rose and smell it, enjoying the luxurious smell that invades my nose, subtly reminding me why I love that flower above all others. A smile lights up my face, as I turn to my right to see the pale yellow sky behind the darkened trees of the forest closeby to my house. I look up at the sky, dotted with white clouds and a lovely shade of blue that I can't reproduce exactly. It's like I'm watching an IMAX screen of the sky, in how clear it is.

I continue walking around, taking a look at the behemoth of a purple rhodedendron we have (we used to be able to climb in it, it was like a tree), and at some more roses. I sniffed the honeysuckle that was climbing the porch stairs, my birthday flower bringing me back memories of my summer years when I was still in elementary school, when the computer hadn't taken over my life, nor had life's miseries touched my innocent heart.

I lay down on the soft grass and looked up at the slowly darkening sky, watching birds fly over me and listening to the calla lily fountain run. I have never felt so clean nor so good like this in such a while. I don't think I've laid down on the grass in years, to be honest.

I need to go out and lie on the grass more at night.

On the grill at work. Dropped the top of the grill while I was scrubbing it, and it peeled some of my skin off.

Got a sunburn on my chest. Itches like hell.

Coke's giving me a stomachache.

Not eating enough.

So tired.

Had enough.

ETA: Omgomgomgomgomgogmgomg, I figured out how to do Sailor Moon-esque hair with the odangoes and everything.

FUCK YEAH. Don't even need the wig for Halloween. :D

...what it's like to get hit by a car. Do you kind of stay in a brief limbo of slow motion where you know you should feel pain, but it's catches up on you as soon as time catches up with reality? Or is it an instant anguish? I'm afraid to ask my dad this, seeing as he has firsthand experience...

...what it feels like to feel so tired and worn out, that you start growing gray hairs, and if all that shedded hair you seem to lose in large quantities means that you're going to go bald later on in life...

...what life would be if sleep only consisted of 3 hours of sleep, and whether it's worth sleeping if I don't know if I'm awake or dreaming when I think I'm dreaming...

...why bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people...

...can a person honestly die of a broken heart?

...is it worth working there anymore?

...have I been spending too much on myself, and not on others?

...am I just losing touch with everything, or is everything losing touch with me?

...is it really worth having a birthday party if I don't feel like having a party? My mum seems adamant that I have a party this year, I may have skipped two in the last three years--my circle of friends around here has dwindled.

...is it healthy to work, eat, sleep, compute, walk, and only those?

...why aren't hermits more socially acceptable? Sometimes the world is scary, and I don't want to know what goes on.

...why the oil companies continue to gain while everyone loses.

...why the Conservatives are trying to mimick the DMCA that the US has, and make it more cruel, and who is really behind it...

...why am I losing interest in NG?

...why am I more absorbed in celebrities than I am in my friends?

...why did I bother typing this all out?

...why does it feel so good to walk in the sunshine?

...where did my memory go? I can't remember anything anymore.

The answer to these questions is the following:

I don't know.

Do I want to know, or do I keep wondering?

Like how I don't think I've ever seen the clouds like they did this morning on my walk to work. It was gorgeous, why have I not seen it before?

Why don't I buy a camera and bring it with me?

Why don't I treat those who I care for more often?

I wonder why.

I think I need to start doing origami. I had a plan to do 1000 paper cranes ala Sadako, but I kind of fell through with that years ago. Maybe I need to start again...

You know how people have these happy places with their inner child? I think I've finally figured out where my happy place is, and can imagine it vividly, but I don't know what my inner child was like. Was she completely girly like I once was--refusing to wear jeans and only wore dresses and skirts--or was she secretly a tomboy on the inside? Did she ever feel unhappy? Did she ever go into fits of rage? Did she ever feel unloved?

I don't know if I'll ever get any answers.

ETA: I think this is the fourth time I've edited this fucking post, but I think I know what my problem is: I've barely had special time to myself in the last few weeks, and the rate I was doing it before was a shitload higher than what's been going on lately, so I think all this stress and down in the dumps tired feeling is because I HAVEN'T REALLY FAPPED. Also probably why I've had such shitty sleeping patterns lately.

Haha, amazing what you think of while sitting on the shitter.

Hurricane Jadesabitch has disappeared from the horizon, at least for now.

Awesome Canadian band, by the way. I met the singer, and he's a rad guy.

Jade's a big old PMSy bitch.

More at 11.

UPDATE (not 11 PM my time, but fuck, whatever): STOMACH HURTS, FEELS WEIRD. Watched Kung Pao instead of Perfect Blue--will watch Perfect Blue hopefully tomorrow.

I hope my stomach feels better by tomorrow. ;-;

Onto the weather...

Friday Night News: 10 O'Clock Edition:

Hurricane Jadesabitch continues to hurl out her cuntness as the week winds down.

In other news, she used to eat peanut butter, pickle, and lettuce sandwiches.

Now for Sports with Jason Benner:

HAha, a Vancouver Canucks first draft pick got killed. lulz ensued.

Sorry Dobio.

...snuggled in behind this source of warmth and content.

For the rest of my days.

I'd rather be, than in this purple-sheeted bed in a room with red walls and a blue ceiling, where the bay window is to my right, and there's a Coke stain next to my knee.

Even if it did get too hot at times. And when I hog the comforter.

This just occured to me while reading a topic on condoms:

What would it be like to blow up a balloon inside a vagina/ass? How much air would you be able to put into it? What if you couldn't blow up anymore, would it pop inside, or would the air just come blasting right back at you?

Would make for hilarious queefing noises.

I just feel sexy tonight.

My hair looks awesome (I'm going to dye the roots sometime this week, I bought the dye tonight), I look awesome in this green sweater o'mine, and the fact that my bra plus my sweater = omgsexy.

I dunno, I just feel good. It may be the wine and the chocolate pudding I've consumed, but I've never felt better like this in a while. :)