...what it's like to get hit by a car. Do you kind of stay in a brief limbo of slow motion where you know you should feel pain, but it's catches up on you as soon as time catches up with reality? Or is it an instant anguish? I'm afraid to ask my dad this, seeing as he has firsthand experience...

...what it feels like to feel so tired and worn out, that you start growing gray hairs, and if all that shedded hair you seem to lose in large quantities means that you're going to go bald later on in life...

...what life would be if sleep only consisted of 3 hours of sleep, and whether it's worth sleeping if I don't know if I'm awake or dreaming when I think I'm dreaming...

...why bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people...

...can a person honestly die of a broken heart?

...is it worth working there anymore?

...have I been spending too much on myself, and not on others?

...am I just losing touch with everything, or is everything losing touch with me?

...is it really worth having a birthday party if I don't feel like having a party? My mum seems adamant that I have a party this year, I may have skipped two in the last three years--my circle of friends around here has dwindled.

...is it healthy to work, eat, sleep, compute, walk, and only those?

...why aren't hermits more socially acceptable? Sometimes the world is scary, and I don't want to know what goes on.

...why the oil companies continue to gain while everyone loses.

...why the Conservatives are trying to mimick the DMCA that the US has, and make it more cruel, and who is really behind it...

...why am I losing interest in NG?

...why am I more absorbed in celebrities than I am in my friends?

...why did I bother typing this all out?

...why does it feel so good to walk in the sunshine?

...where did my memory go? I can't remember anything anymore.

The answer to these questions is the following:

I don't know.

Do I want to know, or do I keep wondering?

Like how I don't think I've ever seen the clouds like they did this morning on my walk to work. It was gorgeous, why have I not seen it before?

Why don't I buy a camera and bring it with me?

Why don't I treat those who I care for more often?

I wonder why.

I think I need to start doing origami. I had a plan to do 1000 paper cranes ala Sadako, but I kind of fell through with that years ago. Maybe I need to start again...

You know how people have these happy places with their inner child? I think I've finally figured out where my happy place is, and can imagine it vividly, but I don't know what my inner child was like. Was she completely girly like I once was--refusing to wear jeans and only wore dresses and skirts--or was she secretly a tomboy on the inside? Did she ever feel unhappy? Did she ever go into fits of rage? Did she ever feel unloved?

I don't know if I'll ever get any answers.

ETA: I think this is the fourth time I've edited this fucking post, but I think I know what my problem is: I've barely had special time to myself in the last few weeks, and the rate I was doing it before was a shitload higher than what's been going on lately, so I think all this stress and down in the dumps tired feeling is because I HAVEN'T REALLY FAPPED. Also probably why I've had such shitty sleeping patterns lately.

Haha, amazing what you think of while sitting on the shitter.